The 6 week garbage strike was over and for a while there I thought we had managed to escape unscathed. With the rental apartment and the laundry shoot I was thrilled to say I had suffered no indignity.
The long weekend arrived and the strike had finally come to an end. To be honest I was sick of hearing about this city workers strike on the news. Who the hell needs to bank their sick days for retirement. They are SICK days. Not vacation days for christ's sake. It is just glutenous and they all feel they are owed something.
And then just when I think I have made it, I embark on a bike ride and am engulfed with the stench that is beyond description. Horrific smells and troops of garbage trucks come at us from every direction. I am choking back vomit.
"Breath throught your mouth" my friend screams at me.
Later I figure out that the place I was playing tennis for the first half of the summer was actually where the garbage was being stored. I don't think I will ever forget the site of those tennis courts and the smell.
And my brother called tonight to say that he called off the wedding. After the invitations and the flights booked home. They are done. Nine years later.
"She is dead to me", was all I could say. "dead".
Maybe the order of things is back. Maybe it was meant to be that my younger brother would not be married before me. Lucky for him he is a commodity in demand. A jewish doctor. Because he is also the sweetest man I know and his broken heart breaks mine.
xo
Friday, October 16, 2009
Saturday, August 08, 2009
husbands of the suburbs
I'm a good girl.
I hold your babies.
I let your husband's innappropriate comments slide.
I'm attentive
And just interesting enough.
The wine helps.
Everything seems so much more interesting after a few glasses.
The suburban three bedroom houses.
The two car garages.
And then I leave and wash a little white pill down
With a swig of crown royal that my brother left in the freezer.
I impress myself by not even wincing at the taste.
And then nothing seems impossible to me.
There is someone out there who will be lucky to have me.
I can do all of that too but with a little extra something.
I've had more time than I wanted.
We'll call it time to come into my own.
But I have arrived.
And while I can't compete wth your 20 year old girlfriend
There is a small chance that I am still the fish swimming
Parallel to you at the lakeshore.
We could show them all how "provincially-minded" they have become.
We could go numb together in the cold atlantic waters.
A different kind of numb.
The kind that refreshes us; wakes us up.
Not the kind I have grown into these past few years.
I hold your babies.
I let your husband's innappropriate comments slide.
I'm attentive
And just interesting enough.
The wine helps.
Everything seems so much more interesting after a few glasses.
The suburban three bedroom houses.
The two car garages.
And then I leave and wash a little white pill down
With a swig of crown royal that my brother left in the freezer.
I impress myself by not even wincing at the taste.
And then nothing seems impossible to me.
There is someone out there who will be lucky to have me.
I can do all of that too but with a little extra something.
I've had more time than I wanted.
We'll call it time to come into my own.
But I have arrived.
And while I can't compete wth your 20 year old girlfriend
There is a small chance that I am still the fish swimming
Parallel to you at the lakeshore.
We could show them all how "provincially-minded" they have become.
We could go numb together in the cold atlantic waters.
A different kind of numb.
The kind that refreshes us; wakes us up.
Not the kind I have grown into these past few years.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
half life
In the beginning, he said
It might make you worse than you already feel.
Crawling out of your skin
Unable to sit still.
There is always the risk.
But the chances are better with this one.
If I have to stop, I am assured, it is the easiest.
It takes weeks to leave your system.
A vulnerable feeling, but if it pays off
It would bring a kinder existence.
It's all in the half life, he tells me.
It might make you worse than you already feel.
Crawling out of your skin
Unable to sit still.
There is always the risk.
But the chances are better with this one.
If I have to stop, I am assured, it is the easiest.
It takes weeks to leave your system.
A vulnerable feeling, but if it pays off
It would bring a kinder existence.
It's all in the half life, he tells me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Are you there blog, it's me Rachel
Sill miss you dear blog
I think about you everyday.
I'm alright.
I've picked myself up,
But therein lies the problem.
I clean up well.
I think about you everyday.
I'm alright.
I've picked myself up,
But therein lies the problem.
I clean up well.
Monday, January 05, 2009
open to the world
Just think. Tonight could have been your lucky night. Got home from the gym at 8 PM only to find my quadruple deadbolts were wide the fuck open.
I remembered the notices around the building reminding us that a company was in today checking our smoke detectors. All I knew was that I was terrified to go inside. Also I was pissed at how half-hazard the process must be to forget to lock a door (which in my case screams to be locked with all of the deterrents I have). Being a complete pussy, I went down to the super and I made him come up and check out my apartment for intruders. I wouldn't let him leave until every closet, every large piece of furniture, behind the shower curtain and under the bed had been inspected. In all fairness he was apologetic.
Who knows how long this quaint little impromptu open house took place. Out of paranoia, I know where every thing should be. I make sure of it. At least it is safe to say no one was in there looking through my underwear drawer. Why that, you may ask? I don't know, because it happened the last time. And men..men are... why don't you ask one of them?
PS Also my stove stopped working the other day. The stove is older than I am! It will be missed.
I remembered the notices around the building reminding us that a company was in today checking our smoke detectors. All I knew was that I was terrified to go inside. Also I was pissed at how half-hazard the process must be to forget to lock a door (which in my case screams to be locked with all of the deterrents I have). Being a complete pussy, I went down to the super and I made him come up and check out my apartment for intruders. I wouldn't let him leave until every closet, every large piece of furniture, behind the shower curtain and under the bed had been inspected. In all fairness he was apologetic.
Who knows how long this quaint little impromptu open house took place. Out of paranoia, I know where every thing should be. I make sure of it. At least it is safe to say no one was in there looking through my underwear drawer. Why that, you may ask? I don't know, because it happened the last time. And men..men are... why don't you ask one of them?
PS Also my stove stopped working the other day. The stove is older than I am! It will be missed.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
in and out
On Christmas day, Harry and I were buying movie tickets when we bumped into an old friend of his who used to work for the Huffington Post. He was telling us about his blog, when Harry said, "blogging is a NYC thing. No one in Toronto blogs".
"Sure they do", I said.
"Yeah, Toronto is actually a pretty blogger-rich city", Harry's friend added and then turned to me. "Do you blog?"
"No", I said. I could feel my cheeks burning. Later I thought about how I haven't blogged in so long I wasn't really lying. But it got me to thinking about how I missed it.
It's hard to come back. At first I stopped because I no longer had it in me. But then it's like I was waiting for something. Even when there was something to talk about, I wasn't sure I would know how to say it. I didn't want to come back with the obligatory, sorry I haven't been around lately-post, or the I promise I will post more frequently-post. I wanted to come back with something good, whether anybody would read it or not.
Tonight I felt like posting something. I don't feel like waiting and since it is my space to do just that, I'll start by telling you a few simple things. Maybe I will be back for more. Maybe not. But right now I miss this little narcissistic outlet.
First, I have to recommend that everyone see the movie Milk. Sean Penn did well as I am sure you have heard, although I must admit it took me about 10 minutes or so to believe him in this role. In a way I think that worked for the movie. Those that end up meaning the most to me in life are the ones who strike me in one way or another, whether it be I find them odd or abrasive or idiosyncratic. He grew on me exponentially.
What an incredible story. For a variety of reasons Human Rights have been on my mind, so this film was particularly timely for me. I have such respect for anyone who has the courage to live their lives authentically, especially in the face of oppositional expectations of their families, friends, and society. But to take that a step further and use yourself as an instrument of change is beyond my comprehension.
Yesterday I watched the movie In and Out. Since there are no new shows to PVR, I have turned to TV movies. I am surprised I didn't see this one when it was released several years ago, but it was a fun movie to watch. I bought the movie Capote at a used book store a while ago and I am about to watch it now. I've been saving it for just the right time. With only one episode of CSI:NY (I'm bored of CSI shows) and a couple of re-runs of The Office on my PVR, I'd say the time couldn't get much more right.
Lately, rather than listening to music when I run, I've become addicted to running to podcasts. Specifically I have been into (1) White Coat, Black Art, a CBC podcast by an ER doc in downtown Toronto who talks health care issues, and (2) the Dan Savage podcast. I am a huge Dan Savage fan. I have always read his column but I can't tell you how fast 45 minutes goes by when you are listening to him. Sadly, I am moving through them much too quickly, so I will soon be on the hunt for new podcasts. If anyone has any suggestions, please share.
It seems this post has a bit of a gay theme. While I'm not gay and therefore won't be coming out of that closet, I do one day hope to have the courage to come out in my own way. And so if I do come back to this blogging thing, maybe that would be a good direction to take my original theme, which was solely to 'capture'. Maybe the next phase of my blog (and maybe my life) could focus on taking it a step further: capturing and then living my life. Truly living.
"Sure they do", I said.
"Yeah, Toronto is actually a pretty blogger-rich city", Harry's friend added and then turned to me. "Do you blog?"
"No", I said. I could feel my cheeks burning. Later I thought about how I haven't blogged in so long I wasn't really lying. But it got me to thinking about how I missed it.
It's hard to come back. At first I stopped because I no longer had it in me. But then it's like I was waiting for something. Even when there was something to talk about, I wasn't sure I would know how to say it. I didn't want to come back with the obligatory, sorry I haven't been around lately-post, or the I promise I will post more frequently-post. I wanted to come back with something good, whether anybody would read it or not.
Tonight I felt like posting something. I don't feel like waiting and since it is my space to do just that, I'll start by telling you a few simple things. Maybe I will be back for more. Maybe not. But right now I miss this little narcissistic outlet.
First, I have to recommend that everyone see the movie Milk. Sean Penn did well as I am sure you have heard, although I must admit it took me about 10 minutes or so to believe him in this role. In a way I think that worked for the movie. Those that end up meaning the most to me in life are the ones who strike me in one way or another, whether it be I find them odd or abrasive or idiosyncratic. He grew on me exponentially.
What an incredible story. For a variety of reasons Human Rights have been on my mind, so this film was particularly timely for me. I have such respect for anyone who has the courage to live their lives authentically, especially in the face of oppositional expectations of their families, friends, and society. But to take that a step further and use yourself as an instrument of change is beyond my comprehension.
Yesterday I watched the movie In and Out. Since there are no new shows to PVR, I have turned to TV movies. I am surprised I didn't see this one when it was released several years ago, but it was a fun movie to watch. I bought the movie Capote at a used book store a while ago and I am about to watch it now. I've been saving it for just the right time. With only one episode of CSI:NY (I'm bored of CSI shows) and a couple of re-runs of The Office on my PVR, I'd say the time couldn't get much more right.
Lately, rather than listening to music when I run, I've become addicted to running to podcasts. Specifically I have been into (1) White Coat, Black Art, a CBC podcast by an ER doc in downtown Toronto who talks health care issues, and (2) the Dan Savage podcast. I am a huge Dan Savage fan. I have always read his column but I can't tell you how fast 45 minutes goes by when you are listening to him. Sadly, I am moving through them much too quickly, so I will soon be on the hunt for new podcasts. If anyone has any suggestions, please share.
It seems this post has a bit of a gay theme. While I'm not gay and therefore won't be coming out of that closet, I do one day hope to have the courage to come out in my own way. And so if I do come back to this blogging thing, maybe that would be a good direction to take my original theme, which was solely to 'capture'. Maybe the next phase of my blog (and maybe my life) could focus on taking it a step further: capturing and then living my life. Truly living.
Monday, September 22, 2008
variety show
Don Rickles was the highlight of the Emmy awards. I PVR'ed it and I am watching it in installments. I don't have the patience for three hours of this. Anyway, I loved Rickle's tribute to his wife of 42 years, Barbara "who sits all day on the Malibu sands with her jewelery, signaling ships".
***
I am liking my job more than I thought I would. I'm working directly with patients, I am involved in research, and there's more. Just last week I pitched my first story. It wasn't the New York Times, but I had an idea and the room to move and it worked out well.
***
I have a date later this week. This is the first guy I have met in a very long time that I am looking forward to going out with.
***
I can't help but think, as the US election draws close, that the Republicans could very well do it again. I have to tell you how frightening that is to me. It makes me want to move far, far away from this forsaken continent. Please. Please people. If you can, don't just talk about it.
Get out the vote.
***
I am liking my job more than I thought I would. I'm working directly with patients, I am involved in research, and there's more. Just last week I pitched my first story. It wasn't the New York Times, but I had an idea and the room to move and it worked out well.
***
I have a date later this week. This is the first guy I have met in a very long time that I am looking forward to going out with.
***
I can't help but think, as the US election draws close, that the Republicans could very well do it again. I have to tell you how frightening that is to me. It makes me want to move far, far away from this forsaken continent. Please. Please people. If you can, don't just talk about it.
Get out the vote.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
foot down
I had such a good night. Both nights. Friday and Saturday. I love me my wine lately. For years I was the girl who ordered a diet coke with dinner, but no more. I love the way a glass of wine feels, especially on an empty stomach. Or two. Or three.
And it goes down so smoothly. I think what it is, is that I have always been unable to let go and enjoy myself, but I am getting better at it, for better or worse. Tonight it ended too early for me and I came home to an empty apartment, wanting more. More drinks, more laughs, more hazy interactions. In lieu of what I really wanted—of all of the things I really want—I took an ativan. I will feel relaxed. I will be able to truly drift off on a cloud of restful sleep. It's better than dessert.
I haven't been this good in a long time. Maybe the pendulum is swinging. Setting myself up, waiting for someone to put their foot down. Someone always puts their foot down. Life puts its foot down. I don't know what it is, but I feel good right now and I'm going with it.
And it goes down so smoothly. I think what it is, is that I have always been unable to let go and enjoy myself, but I am getting better at it, for better or worse. Tonight it ended too early for me and I came home to an empty apartment, wanting more. More drinks, more laughs, more hazy interactions. In lieu of what I really wanted—of all of the things I really want—I took an ativan. I will feel relaxed. I will be able to truly drift off on a cloud of restful sleep. It's better than dessert.
I haven't been this good in a long time. Maybe the pendulum is swinging. Setting myself up, waiting for someone to put their foot down. Someone always puts their foot down. Life puts its foot down. I don't know what it is, but I feel good right now and I'm going with it.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
this is how we do it
I've pretty much given up the dream of being chosen as a blogger "blog of note", what with the lack of posting (not to mention the lack of quality posting), however I do find some good reads there.
I still hope to publish something someday besides a peer-reviewed journal article. I'm not sure if I ever told you that. Not sure if, in all of the years I've been posting, I bothered to mention that I have some far-reaching aspirations. Well, there you go.
I also don't know if I have ever mentioned how much I like the song "Bike", by Pink Floyd. That and "Itchycoo Park", by...someone who is not Pink Floyd. They remind me of all of the years my sister and I spent listening to music as pseudo-stoners—13 year old wannabes if you will—before we were ever introduced to hash (still don't know if I am using that em-dash correctly).
PS How efficient are we Canadians? We have been hearing about the US election for over a year now. The Canadian election is apparently going to be called this weekend. Our campaign and election will take place before the US election even happens.
PPS Vote Dion
PPPS If it can't be Clinton, Vote Obama
I still hope to publish something someday besides a peer-reviewed journal article. I'm not sure if I ever told you that. Not sure if, in all of the years I've been posting, I bothered to mention that I have some far-reaching aspirations. Well, there you go.
I also don't know if I have ever mentioned how much I like the song "Bike", by Pink Floyd. That and "Itchycoo Park", by...someone who is not Pink Floyd. They remind me of all of the years my sister and I spent listening to music as pseudo-stoners—13 year old wannabes if you will—before we were ever introduced to hash (still don't know if I am using that em-dash correctly).
PS How efficient are we Canadians? We have been hearing about the US election for over a year now. The Canadian election is apparently going to be called this weekend. Our campaign and election will take place before the US election even happens.
PPS Vote Dion
PPPS If it can't be Clinton, Vote Obama
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I know what I know if you know what I mean
It was a good weekend. Sunshine and shoe shopping, drinks and dinners, a night at the movies, running, and tennis.
Like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, this summer has been a pleasant surprise. I have barely even noticed the rain.
The only complaint I have is that the music of 2008 has been underwhelming. Imagine if I was back in summer camp. What would the great songs of the summer have been? Would Katie Perry's I kissed a girl be the best there is?
Where is the Jack and Diane of 2008? John Mellencamp isn't the only one. There are always songs. You know the ones. Maybe it's rose colored glasses, but where is Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians when you need them?
Aside from the music, going into this summer it is safe to say I was not at my best. So imagine my surprise when, despite the mediocre music and the record rains, this summer has turned out so well. It isn't because everything is going right [it's not..although it is mostly], or I am having regular sex [I'm not], or I am in love [not, unless you count my new fall pumps]. Not even close.
I don't even think that Don Henley's Boys of Summer would be able to drag me into the summer-Sunday blues. I would like to think that it's more than a bottle of pills, but whatever it is that saved me, I'll take it.
There is very little of August left and I intend to squeeze out every last drop.
I am packing my bags.
I will be spending it somewhere fabulous.
Like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, this summer has been a pleasant surprise. I have barely even noticed the rain.
The only complaint I have is that the music of 2008 has been underwhelming. Imagine if I was back in summer camp. What would the great songs of the summer have been? Would Katie Perry's I kissed a girl be the best there is?
Where is the Jack and Diane of 2008? John Mellencamp isn't the only one. There are always songs. You know the ones. Maybe it's rose colored glasses, but where is Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians when you need them?
Aside from the music, going into this summer it is safe to say I was not at my best. So imagine my surprise when, despite the mediocre music and the record rains, this summer has turned out so well. It isn't because everything is going right [it's not..although it is mostly], or I am having regular sex [I'm not], or I am in love [not, unless you count my new fall pumps]. Not even close.
I don't even think that Don Henley's Boys of Summer would be able to drag me into the summer-Sunday blues. I would like to think that it's more than a bottle of pills, but whatever it is that saved me, I'll take it.
There is very little of August left and I intend to squeeze out every last drop.
I am packing my bags.
I will be spending it somewhere fabulous.
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